Golgothan’s Lair

Golgothan's Lair

Shit son. This is just about the shittiest of shitholes we’ve ever been presented with. Shit.
I’m not positive, but I think we’ve stumbled upon Golgothan’s lair.. and that’s got me thinking.
What if… what if all that in Dogma is true… what if an abundance of people crucified on a hill actually shat themselves and from the shats of the dead grew a real life shit demon named Golgothan, and he came up out of this very toilet…
All the evidence is right here. Shit is literally covering this entire stall, as it was in the movie when he appeared.. only this is years later and it’s dried up a ton.
But then…
WHERE IS HE NOW???

Have you ever been alone and smelled poo, but knew you didn’t fart and there were no loose m&m’s in your undies when you checked?

I bet that’s him close by..

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Toilet seat = toilet SEAT!

Toilet seat = toilet SEAT!

It’s hard to tell from this picture but there’s black specks of what I can only imagine is feces splattered all over this pearly turd harbor.
I’m going to go ahead and ass-ume that this is the scene of an attempted upper decker gone wrong.
The tank itself was clean as a toot, so the perpepooper must have been interrupted before she (yup, this was in the lil girls room!) was able to squeeze out anything solid.
Joke’s still on whoever has to clean this up, because she managed to ‘make it rain’ all over this poop dump.

‘Owwwww mami’s booty is banging, man, she gotta go, man, she’s gonna blow,
She gets it pooping with no hands, she’ll make it pour
She’ll make it rain on ’em, lay a deuce on ’em
She’s passing gas, got the squirts on ’em
Gotta get that dookie love, gotta get my hershey out
Gotta suspect her, exactly test this crack and want a clingon on us
And you know what it is, yo, it’s them Cosby kids
And we know how 2 shizz, so we don’t give a….shit?’

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The Mummy of all Toilets

The Mummy of all Toilets

Just in time for Halloween I give you, The Toilet Mummy.
Seems to me like the shit monster is looking to dress up as something different this year, tired of the same old crap, looking to fool some candy poopers into thinking it’s the mummy from Monster Squad.
Unfortunately he got a little backed up, what with it being Thanksgiving weekend and all.
Too much stuffing really clogs the toiletries.
Good thing he’s still got a couple of weeks to rise to the occasion.
Once he flushes his system it will give him the momentum he needs to rise from the bowls of hell wrapped in toilet paper like the mummy he crapspires to be. Good luck to you, sir.

(Thanks Brad!)

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The Cosby kids did not make it to the pool today…

The Cosby kids did not make it to the pool today...

They got into a terrible head on collision right beside it instead.
RIP.

I really wanted to call this post ‘the hoverturd’ or ‘the hoverlog’ or ‘the hoverdung’ or ‘the hovershit’ or ‘the hoverstool’ … you get the point .. but all those words indicate to me that there was something solid about the feces, which clearly is not the case here… and ‘the hover diarrhea’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
I wanted it to be ‘hover’ something because I’m pretty sure that, based on the forensic evidung here, the only way it’s possible to miss the porcelain bullseye in such a way is if the hovercraft you were trying to poop off of underwent some sort of malfunction and jerked you over just as you let loose. How else do you explain the drippage off the outside of the can.. and how there’s no foot/hand/knee prints?

I bet this is what happens when Flash Gordon and his crew take their hoverboards out on the town for a night of drinking, have a liiiiittle too much and lose control of their boards…. and their butts. dun dun DUUUN!

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Toilets are just the butt’s trash can.

But sometimes they get confused with hand trash cans too… Image

So instead of just butt garbage, you get a toilet bowl that resembles a trick-or-treat bag, including the shitty aftermath of all that candy. This toilet – which I can only hope is a porta-potty,  looks as if some sort of monster devoured an entire pillowcase full of treats as well as the kid attached to it, and then dumped it out of it’s butt here, wrappers and all.

It almost…. ALMOST… looks like it could be a piece of art. A great example of appropriation, orrr in this case apoopriation, taking all these existing pop can designs and whatever the pink and yellow garbage used to be.. and throwing it all together with the natural way poop hits the mess below it, which is kind of art in itself…

Dare I say it’s beautiful?

This may be the toilet from the movie Street Trash…

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An ExPOOsion of POOnormous POOportion!

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WHat. The. FACK. happened here?

Seriously, aside from the obvious butt-xplosion, I just can’t piece together how it resulted in this mess. Clearly somebody didn’t make it to the toilet in time, but they didn’t even have a chance to put down the seat apparently… and either the poo falls far from the bum in this person’s case or he kind of toppled over to the side a wee bit (more like a ‘poo’ bit). Note the shit juice running down the front of the toilet bowl, and the smudge on the ground that was clearly slipped on…. and last but not lease the three-square long attempt to clean it on the ground as a fresh new roll of shittickets hangs untouched on the right.

This reminds me of the scene in Jaws when Brody finally blows up the beast… if the shark was made out of POO that is.

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B-B-B-B-Bad to the Porcelain Throne

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A battle happened here in this horseshoe shaped arena…
A battle of epic proportions. 
It was a battle between two evils…
Two paranormal demons hellbent on claiming this porcelain portal as their own. 

It was The Battle Of……. 
GOLGOTHAN (THE SHIT DEMON) VS. STAY PUFT (THE MARSHMALLOW MAN)

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Judging by the aftermath… Marshmallow trumps Shit. 
Does that make Stay Puft the lesser evil…. or the evilest? 

DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

 

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